Grappling with anxieties while transferring to UC Berkeley
My time at Berkeley went far differently than I could have expected or planned. ... God took me away from the path I carved for myself and set me on His way — one that is far more fulfilling and purposeful.
August 18, 2021
I heard my heart pound as my sweaty palms grasped the Zellerbach Hall door handles. My stomach curled as the words ‘Golden Bear Orientation (GBO)’ left the counselor’s lips.
I couldn’t believe I was finally here, especially after the lengthy and tiresome process of submitting all the applications, awaiting college responses, and deciding where to complete my undergraduate degree.
The evening before, I walked around Berkeley’s infamous Durant Ave and Telegraph Ave, looking for food with a few friends from the end of my San Francisco internship. I recall asking them the same questions like a broken record, “What if no one wants to become friends with me?” “What if I don't hit it off with anyone?” I’d rehash those every 15 or 30 minutes, and they’d give the same response, “Are you kidding? I’m sure you’ll make friends!” “Don’t worry about it!” These questions haunted my dreams and conversations for weeks before my first day, and no one could say anything to make them disappear.
At the same time, I was internally ecstatic when I arrived on campus. I couldn’t wait to be in class again, join clubs, and meet people with similar interests. The pandemic made me miss the college experience filled with social opportunities. Even an introvert misses going out with friends and exploring new places, especially with the frills and freedom of college.
Within my first week, I had a few significant hurdles: 1. I had just healed from COVID-19. It sucked. 2. I was quite literally homeless. 3. I had just gone through a sad breakup simultaneously with the first two. 4. After my friends from SF left, I knew absolutely no one in the Bay Area.
Every day hit like a train; I’d wake up plagued with restlessness and anxieties that I couldn’t solve without a leap of faith. I’d regularly cry into the night, worried about finding a place to call home and a community to connect with. Fortunately for me, God caught me and led me to a ministry group on campus during orientation week (“A Leap of Faith”). But that story is for another time!
My time at Berkeley went far differently than I expected or planned, and it was far better. Reflecting on it now, I wouldn’t change a thing; I wouldn’t even change the hurdles I faced. It’s interesting because I came to Cal thinking I knew exactly what I needed.
When I applied to transfer, I sought a community of people like me interested in entrepreneurship and business. I thought I wanted to go into the startup scene and do whatever it took to make it. God took me away from the path I carved for myself and set me on His way — one that is far more fulfilling and purposeful. I’m so grateful He spoke to me by placing me in a kind, loving, and generous community.
Leading up to Cal, I was hostile, restless, and uncertain about the future. I didn’t know what to expect and was constantly nervous. Things hadn’t been going my way, and I wasn’t ok with that. Now, I know I have a plan and a purpose. I don’t know what will happen, but that makes life incredible. Anything could happen!
As Exodus 14:14 reads, “the LORD will fight for you. You need only to be still.”
I decided to create this magazine as a college reflection. Growing up, I loved creating print works and writing for fun. Through the years, I felt like I had lost touch with that creative side of me. I hope to bring it back by creating this work for fun. I’m grateful to work on the magazine because it will help me reflect and document my growth through my remaining time in college. I hope it gets you to think and reflect as well!
Lastly, I’m so blessed to have this extended time in school. I know I’ve grown so much through the years, and I wouldn’t change a thing. Thank you for looking over me, LORD.
I pray you bless this writing and creating process. Please continue to guide me along your path.
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Read more of ascend | a college reflection! ascend is a personal college reflection magazine with short essays, funny stories, life thoughts, important questions, media I love, and more! ascend | a college reflection came out on May 12, 2023, to celebrate graduation and kickstart gap year 3.0.
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