where is it? what is it?
"relationships are treated like dixie cups. they are the same. they are disposable. if it does not work, drop it, throw it away, get another." - bell hooks, all about love
love is so complicated. every bone in my body wishes it understood love. how do we find love? and once we find it, how do we keep it? as i’ve continued to investigate the mystery of love, i’ve come across some incredible authors on the topic. while i still don’t have the answers, i find assurance in the thoughts and reflections of others going through the same reflective process. i hope their discussion helps relieve any of your thoughts as well.
so what is love? according to bell hooks, author of all about love, people often describe love as a set of emotions characterized by passion, intimacy, and commitment. this definition only brushes the surface of love’s capacity and capabilities. erich fromm in the art of loving explains that “people think that love is simple, but that to find the right object to love — or to be loved by — is difficult.” we have the wrong perception of love, and our culture approaches it incorrectly. hooks adds that “schools for love do not exist. everyone assumes that we will know how to love instinctively. despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, we still accept that the family is the primary school for love. those of us who do not learn how to love among family are expected to experience love in romantic relationships. however this love often eludes us.”
disappointingly but not surprisingly, how society approaches love reflects the greater economic system. fromm explains that today, “many of the ways to make oneself lovable are the same as those used to make oneself successful ‘to win friends and influence people’ … what most people in our culture mean by being lovable is essentially a mixture between being popular and having sex appeal.”
we treat people like commodities rather than the people they are. fromm’s next analogy shocked me most: “our whole culture is based on the appetite for buying, on the idea of mutually favorable exchange. modern man’s happiness consists in the thrill of looking at the shop windows and in buying all that he can afford to buy, either for cash or on installments. he (or she) looks at people in a similar way. for the man, an attractive girl — and for the woman, an attractive man — are the prizes they are after.”
shows like the bachelor, love island, and love is blind, (need i go on?) all reflect the same concept of love — a partner as a prize to be sought after. tinder, bumble, and hinge only extend this reality by creating tools for people to connect based on the “package” they represent in their profiles. comments like “she’s too good for him” or “he’s a five, and she’s a nine” ring in my ear as measurements that society makes. “i’m looking for my best friend,” contestants on dating shows will retort over and over; in reality, they’re looking for the perfect package based on society’s standards.
attractive today is based on culture rather than what love should be based in. fromm explains that the basis of attractiveness is based on what people say. “’attractive’ usually means a nice package of qualities which are popular and sought after on the personality market.”
as a result of these contorted views of love, relationship building becomes a game, fromm explains. “the sense of falling in love develops … i am out for a bargain; the object should be desirable from the standing point of its social value, and at the same time should want me.”
fromm argues that love becomes an arrangement, a deal — “two persons thus fall in love when they feel they have found the best object available on the market.”
the scariest truth is we fear we’ll find no one that fits fromm’s arrangement, hooks adds. “we fear that evaluating our needs and then carefully choosing partners will reveal that there is no one for us to love. most of us prefer to have a partner who is lacking than no partner at all. what becomes apparent is that we may be more interested in finding a partner than in knowing love.”
are we always guilty of using people for our own ends? it seems like it. hooks explains that we often seek partnership to avoid loneliness. “but many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. when we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.”
pastor michael todd, author of relationship goals inserts that “we live in a world that has more and more relationships and less and less love, more and more sex and less and less intimacy.”
it makes sense that we approach love incorrectly, though, especially seeing as we put everything else before it. fromm shares that “almost everything else is considered to be more important than love: success, prestige, money, power … could it be that only those things are considered worthy of being learned with which one can earn money or prestige, and that love, which ‘only’ profits the modern sense, is a luxury we have no right to spend much money on?”
“human relations follow the same pattern of exchange which governs the commodity and the labor market,” which results in people treating relationships like disposable items. hooks shares a humorous yet depressing reality: “relationships are treated like dixie cups. they are the same. they are disposable. if it does not work, drop it, throw it away, get another. committed bonds (including marriage) cannot last when this is the prevailing logic. most of us are unclear about what to do to protect and strengthen caring bonds when our self-centered needs are not being met.”
todd reminds us that “you might have an emotional connection or an intellectual connection or just a strong physical connection, but without God that connection isn’t enough.” instead of putting things of this world above all, we need to recenter around a greater purpose and mission.
the sad truth of relationships is that when push comes to shove, most people give up. hooks explains that “when we face pain in relationships, our first response is often to sever bonds rather than to maintain commitment.” often we do this because of fear. “the practice of love offers no place of safety. we risk loss, hurt, pain. we risk being acted upon by forces outside our control.” having no control is daunting, but in life is there ever a real reign?
there’s no denying it. relationships suck. you open yourself up to the potential for love and many times find yourself picking up the pieces of your broken heart. as one of my friends said over the phone while navigating his breakup “if this is love, i don’t want any part of it.” that line struck me. why do we keep putting ourselves in harms way? todd explains that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. if we were told that our plane had a 50 percent chance of making it to the destination, we probably wouldn’t get on, right? 50 percent chance of success and 50 percent chance of failure? i’ll take the safe route and walk.
we shouldn’t let bad situations discourage us, though, todd assures. “many of us have experienced poisonous relationships in some way or other, and it may have negatively affected our desire to ever have human connection at all. let me encourage you: don’t allow the pain from your past relationships to make you forfeit your future ones.”
yes, there will be struggles, but that is normal and ok. psychologist john gottman, author of seven principles for making marriage work reassures that any relationship can be revived and saved. “once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: most marital arguments cannot be resolved. couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. this is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. by fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.”
in some ways, the bachelor saying he’s “looking for his best friend” is reflective of gottman’s thoughts. “the point is that neuroses don’t have to ruin a marriage. if you can accommodate each other’s ‘crazy’ side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive.” different from many romantic relationships, friendships tend to be more accommodating and understanding of a friend’s “crazy side.” so, maybe the bachelor was onto something.
todd adds that everyone has potential. “i always encourage people to pay attention to patterns, not potential. all of us have the potential to do better in our weak areas, but can we live with each other’s patterns?”
what i’ve come to realize is you can’t find love “out there.” at least not in the way people talk about. hooks adds that you shouldn’t seek love outside if you can’t find it inside. “to return to love, to get the love we always wanted but never had, to have the love we want but are not prepared to give, we seek romantic relationships. we believe these relationships, more than any other, will rescue and redeem us. true love does have the power to redeem, but only if we are ready for redemption. love saves us only if we want to be saved.”
to find the right partner, you must come to terms with yourself. “one of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others. there was a time when i felt lousy about my over-forty body, saw myself as too fat, too this, or too that. yet i fantasized about finding a lover who would give me the gift of being loved as i am. it is silly, isn’t it, that i would dream of someone else offering to me the acceptance and affirmation i was withholding from myself. this was a moment when the maxim ‘you can never love anybody if you are unable to love yourself’ made clear sense. and i add, ‘do not expect to receive the love from someone else you do not give yourself.’”
todd supports hooks. “see, people are so often trying to get a person without first understanding their own purpose—or at least without taking it into account. but a close relationship is going to have a huge impact on how well you can fulfill your purpose.”
to love doesn’t need to be within romantic relationships. “to love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.”
i’ve found that love is a conscious choice. love is when two people choose each other again and again, even when things get hard. love is grown over time.
as 1 corinthians 13:4–8 reads:
(esv) love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. it does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
gottman supports that “successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.” additionally, taking responsibility is crucial. “taking responsibility—even for a small part of the problem in communication—presents the opportunity for great repair.”
we should nurture all of our relationships with the proper love and attention hooks explains. “giving generously in romantic relationships, and in all other bonds, means recognizing when the other person needs our attention. attention is an important resource. … a generous heart is always open, always ready to receive our going and coming. in the midst of such love we need never fear abandonment. this is the most precious gift true love offers - the experience of knowing we always belong.”
according to todd, love is “beyond ourselves. believe the beauty of life is being a part of something that is way bigger than yourself. it’s God’s plan. …. marriage was never supposed to be just a husband and wife.
God was always supposed to be a participant in the relationship. in fact, He’s supposed to be the focus of the relationship.”
gottman adds that a friendship first leads to a stronger relationship. “friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”
when in a partnership, it’s crucial to remain engaged, supportive, and loving. “you can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your partner, and being brave enough to share your own inner world, and never be done discovering all there is to know about each other. it’s exciting.”
“make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner. don’t assume you know who they are today, just because you went to bed with them the night before. in short, never stop asking questions. But ask the right kind of questions.”
any relationship is possible with clear expectations, communication, and transparency. “converting a complaint into a positive need requires a mental transformation from what is wrong with one’s partner to what one’s partner can do that would work. it may be helpful here to review my belief that within every negative feeling there is a longing, a wish, and, because of that, there is a recipe for success. it is the speaker’s job to discover that recipe. the speaker is really saying “here’s what i feel, and here’s what i need from you.” or, in processing a negative event that has already happened, the speaker is saying, “here’s what i felt, and here’s what i needed from you.”
while love hurts, we continue to pursue its potential to bring us happiness. “happily ever after simply means that both partners are known, valued, accepted for who they are and who they are becoming. the goal is to be able to love your partner more deeply each and every year you’re together.”
but just because a relationship can lead to a more full life doesn’t mean we should allow our life purpose to revolve around love. “just don’t go looking for others to give you what only God can—your purpose. look only to God for that. and trust Him to bring people into your life who can push you ahead and whom you can push ahead in His plans.”
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